I'm dealing with a toxic family member right now. I'm the second oldest of my siblings, and my older sister is very toxic. I always have conflicting thoughts about her because she was sexually abused as a child and it led her believe that it was ok to stay with people that treat her badly. Well, now I've moved out of my father's house and she is still there wih my other siblings. None of them get along and they are scared of her because she can blow up at any minute or take their things and then to start a conflict.
I know that she had mental issues at this point, but she refuses to get help. So instead she doesnt work or go to school and gets into arguments with the kids and my father. He aids in her emotional abuse which is why I have wanted her to move out. The thing is the trust between is is now very broken because I've tried to help her in the past and she's only hurt me or taken advantage of me.
A few days ago she caused disturbance at my dad's house and broke a window and the kids were really scared. She said it was because my sad and brother moved her stuff. She went to jail and they didn't give her a psych eval like they said they would and released her in a day.
Now she's gone to a homeless shelter but recently got locked out for not listening and coming back by curfew. She wanted me to go and pick her up today but after everything that's happened I don't trust her and know she won't listen to me if she knows where I live. I know she needs medical help and I want her to get better, but I don't want to compromise my safety, well-being, and open myself to getting hurt and used by her again.
I always have to focus on her needs and not my own, and I am trying to graduate from college this year and don't need this. I'm already not being able to focus because I'm worried about her and my mother doesn't understand why she can't just come and live with me. I'm stuck between wanting her to be safe and wanting to protect myself and I'm not willing to keep taking care of her. My parents just want me to take her for now until they can get her help, but I know that once she knows where I live she won't likely leave. I don't know what to do and would appreciate some help. I don't want to feel like an evil sister but there is only so much , I can take in this situation.
My parents forgot that I too have been hurt in this situation. She makes them feel guilty about all sorts of things she feels they wronged her in the past, so they put up with it and are constantly walking on eggshells around her. That really hurt, even though it wasn't altogether surprising.
Yet, when I wrote an assertive letter to my sister about how I felt , mom told dad about it and he begged me not to give it to my sister because it would "hurt her feelings". It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I've decided to cut ties with her and refuse to be part of her abusive drama. But I still haven't managed it completely, as my dad is very ill and cutting ties with my sister would break their heart, and quite possibly kill my dad. So I've been kind of settling for not contacting her and deciding to only meet up outside the home on the very rare occasions that are absolutely necessary. It almost always reverts back to her telling me how horrible my parents are.
How weak and pathetic they are, though I think they're possibly one of the strongest people to be able to put up with such abuse! They are really old and unwell, and my sister's abuse makes my mom unable to sleep and gives her heart burns and high blood pressure. And my dad too, in addition to all his other illnesses. But I can't force them to stop putting up with the abuse. I can only try to be there for them when I can and get myself out of it, if I can. And it's strange because my sister very rarely verbally abuses me directly to me, but she would constantly say awful things about our parents to me and awful things about me to them.
She would, however, give me that "look down her nose" look when I tell her about my achievements . And if I said something she didn't agree with, or she thought was wrong or unimportant, she would let me know with the tone of her voice. Oh, those tones of voice, if only you could hear it!
And she definitely does directly verbally abuse my parents … constantly. But then after the put downs, she does a complete 180 and says how much she loves us and misses us, and what would she do without us? I cannot keep being in this emotionally abusive and draining loop, but I don't know how to get out of it without destroying my parents.
So even though I've decided I want nothing more to do with her, I'm still stuck. Still, I tried to maintain our relationship, clinging to the notion that we might one day be close. I finally sought help from a therapist who explained the dangers of further engaging in this toxic relationship. I've since learned a few things about how to handle a difficult family member.
Whenever I feel bad about putting myself first, I resort to these seven techniques. "This is a tough place to be and is a lot of pressure to put on you," she noted. After much thought, I decided I didn't want to be the middleman anymore. If my parents and brother wanted to talk to each other, they had to do it on their own terms.
Set boundaries To reinforce my newly defined intentions, I realized I had to set boundaries. I told my parents I no longer felt comfortable discussing and analyzing my brother with them. Then, I told my brother if he had anything he wanted to relay to my parents, he should do it directly.
It's OK to take a time-out from a family member During one session, my therapist asked, "What do you need right now in this situation? " Without giving it too much thought, I replied, "a break." I took a step back and concluded that talking to my brother was only causing my stress level to go up. With everything going on in my life, that was the last thing I needed. I decided I needed to pull back from the relationship.
I established that if he called, I would answer but I wouldn't go out of my way to make contact with him. I was sick of him making me feel guilty over my personal achievements (and failing to acknowledge I'd worked my butt off for them). So I decided to block him from my Facebook updates. If he wasn't able to see photos of my husband and me on vacations and updates about success at work, then he had nothing to hold above my head. This is hands down the best article on the subject of cutting ties with toxic people.
My sister, mom, and dad are a nasty triad. I am out on my own with a husband who treats me well and a mom to two awesome sons. My sister is 35 and is living at home with no job. She runs the house and is verbally and physically abusive to my parents.
My parents are too weak to do what needs to be done. My mom is actually siding with my sister now. My dad won't put his daughter out on the street. She loves to tell me how horrible of a person, mom, wife, sister I am. What I am doing wrong, and how I should do things. (But I am healthier than her. I see a doctor and a therapist and take my meds.) So, here come the holidays, and I'm putting my foot down with her finally.
I'm seeing things clearly now as they try to put me back where I belong as the "fixer". I don't want to fix things or have the responsibilty to "just make her happy." My whole damn life since she was born was to make her happy. "Give her your favorite toy, shirt, eyeliner because she won't be quiet until you do." I'm so angry at this point. It's hard knowing my mom and dad deal with this, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE. My mom is desperate and trying to manipulate me now, and my dad layers on the guilt. I'm ready for that to be a possible outcome.
I'm 19 years old and since I was young I realized how manipulative and toxic my dad was. He has the ability to make the people around act just like him. It wasn't until I moved out that I could see just how terrible of an environment I was living in. Anyway I tried to cut ties last night because I was tired of being like them I'm tired of being the victim and they both told me that I'm delusional and have convinced my self of a false realty. I have lost my whole family in one night and came here to read this article for help thank you.
The most scary thing about reading an article about toxic people is frighteningly seeing some of the descriptions in yourself, but I'm resolved to change I want to be happy and a better person. At almost 40 yo I finally had enough courage to remove my toxic father out of my life . He was physically abusive till my teen years and emotionally abusive until now .
I'm tired of being disrespected, hurt, blamed, put down , discouraged … As hard as it is I must let go of him once and for all. We stopped communicating months ago and there is no effort on his part to stay connected even for the sake of his 12 yo only granddaughter. It helped me understand few things such as you can't fix toxic person .
I've been trying to fix what was broken but it never worked . It was always very temporary fix and abuse always came back to me . In the process I'm also losing my younger and only brother who can't understand my feelings and stands with his father . My brother who didn't witness a lot of the physical abuse is brain washed by my father and he justified the abuse by saying that I was a mischievous child that required discipline . I'm ready to move on and enjoy my life a lot more .
It was a lot harder to do the same with family members. I appreciate that you shared not only your advice but your own experience. I have had a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with my adult daughter for years now. She constantly nips away at my self-esteem. I feel confident, content, and stable when I'm not around her.
She is rude, disrespectful and condescending. I have "pulled back' and distanced myself several times, but haven't maintained the distance because she uses her siblings as an excuse to gain access to me time and time again. Presently, I'm emotionally exhausted and basically fed up. I don't have any doubt that she is "toxic". I have to explain to her siblings that I can't have her in my life.
Since, all of my other children live at home I'm now sure exactly how that will work out. But I don't want to spend the rest of my adult life being harassed by my own child (or anyone else…smile). Her father was abusive and I left him over 20 years ago.
I keep giving her the "benefit of the doubt" and she presents slight behavior changes here and there, but it always ends up with the same, blame, shame, rage and put down behavior. I don't know if you will ever see this comment. If you do, thank you for sharing- your writing is still helping people.
I pray that Allaah (God, I'm Muslim) helps me to be firm this time around. I saved your post to my favorites so I can reference it when I feel weak. If you think you may need to cut ties with your relatives, start by evaluating your family relationships and thinking carefully about the best way to proceed.
After that, take steps to distance yourself from your dysfunctional family members. Also, make sure to take care of your mental and emotional health throughout this process. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they're not the right person to be spending time with every day. – Not all toxic family relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness.
And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live. You simply can't ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. I feel for all the people who have posted on this site. I grew up with toxic parents and a toxic brother who was worshipped by my parents.
I became the family scapegoat, always blamed for being unreasonable, aggressive and sulky while my brother was showered with gifts and praise. I married young and badly, my husband turned out to be a violent bully. My parents knew this but made it clear I couldn't go home as they didn't want me there.
